At 10 pm last night, all I wanted to do was put on my PJs, crawl into bed and watch Love Actually. New Years? Pshh- it’s not even a deal in Israel! And a new years party? Even worse. All it means is people celebrating a new year as an excuse to get pissed. (A New Years, that Israelis don’t even care about) Not like I didn’t have a million and one reasons to get drunk last night, but I was being a pessimist. New years has this horrendous symbolism; we want to wash our hands of the crap from last year, and throw a bunch of new expectations on the next year. Not like we didn’t just do that a few months ago during the Chagim. This time though, we don’t have to go to Shul or fast; all we need to do is get drunk.
In addition to my hissy fit, I was feeling a nice dose of FOMO (Fear of Missing Out) Yes, I can rail against the system, but at the end of the day I would still feel worse if I didn’t go out. This way I could show up at the party, mumble through some small talk, feel like I am ‘somewhere’ (that isn’t my bed) at 12:00, and then rush home on time once I’ve fed my FOMO. So, instead of cuddling up in my PJs, I ventured out into the night, in search of some kind of new years fulfillment.
I remember looking at my watch at 11:53 pm, and thinking, “Really?!?! It’s still not midnight?” I was being a Debbie Downer. I had spoken with Ari, which just made me sad, and I was mingling amongst people that I couldn’t even give a crap about. My social anxiety was quickly settling in and I kept watching the clock to see when I could make my way out and find myself back in my bed, in those pyjamas. At Midnight, we all counted down, and when the new year made it’s way in, I realized I hated myself in this moment. Why do I always need to focus on the bad? Why do I need to be such a pessimist and dwell on things that don’t need to be dwelt on? Why do I always feel bad for myself? My over thinking mind needed a break. So, I downed what was left of my half-drunk beer, and rushed out to get another one. And as I walked back to the party, with beer in tow, I realized that isn’t the real me. Well it is, but it’s a part of me that I want to work on. I don’t want to be that girl stooping around and dwelling, dwelling, always dwelling. And so, I had a moment: I thought, “F%^& IT!”. That’s it. Just F%^& it all.”
My night did not end up with me rushing home for bed. I stayed for quite a few more hours; drinking, dancing, talking and having fun. Yes, I had fun. I also opened my mouth one too many times when it should have stayed closed. (I have this horrendous drunk problem, where I just don’t know when, or how to shut up, and all the truths, come streaming out of me- for better or worse) But it was fine. Nothing is ever as bad as we make it out to seem, but our minds do this lovely trick of corruption.
The only thing that really stung was the one thing I’ve been trying to forget and go forward with: Ari. I was dancing with a few people, and a boy, who I knew liked me and had bought me a drink, when I saw his figure pass me by, and swoop out of the door to go home, all alone. I wanted to go over and say bye…WHY DO I FEEL THIS SILLY NEED TO SAY BYE TO THIS JERK? We can all make estimations, but it’s because I’m still holding on to a sick part of my past. I’m still holding on to him even though I don’t want to. Am I bitter than it’s over with him? Do I want to date him again? Do I think he can change and be what I want? I’m not sure.
Instead of leaving this boy I was with to go and say bye to Ari, I simply pulled out my phone and texted him. (Sometimes I don’t understand why I’m such a fail at the playbook for “Things you never do with an ex”) I really think I need to put training wheels on my heart. Go back to the basics so that this damn heart of mine can quiet down and follow the logic of my mind. I texted him that I miss hanging out with him. I’m a fool. In my drunken moments, I let it all out- I tell everyone everything, and then I wake up the next day with the most intense feeling of regret and sadness.
And so, to end off 2012, I left it feeling like a shining idiot. And now, as I sit in my bed in my pjs at 10 pm, prepared to watch Love Actually just like I had wanted to last night, I’m thinking of my own personal bill of last year, and thinking of my expectations for next year.
Let me end off with the following:
A prayer, for myself, but also for anyone that has stumbled on my blog. I started this as an experiment in emotions but also because I bleed words, and I needed to put them somewhere. No matter what happened last year, whether I smiled about it, or cried about it. No matter my achievements or my failures. No matter the good, no matter the bad. No matter the love that poured out of my every seam and no matter the heartbreak that won’t go away. I’m looking forward, because I want to look forward. This isn’t because it’s January 1st, 2013: the start of the new year. This is because every moment holds the potential to take me forward and fulfill me. We will all continue and so will I, whether it’s with tears rolling down my face or whether it’s with a smile and a full heart. The new year came while I was in a bar, but it would have also come while I was in bed. So please, let the next moments that come, roll me forwards: to self-happiness and fulfillment. All we have in this life are moments and I want to feel each and every one of them.
Amen.
The Swamp: Dating in Katamon 